Chapter 158

After leaving the Ruthius estate, Dante headed straight for the emperor’s office.

Step, step.

Dante’s heavy footsteps echoed through the magnificent palace.

“Y-Your Highness…”

The servants flinched and moved aside. They bowed their heads in a hurry, but they couldn’t hide their fear.

This kind of atmosphere was familiar. Back when he was a child, their gazes had been filled with loathing. Now, fear was simply added to the mix.

In a past so distant it was a blur, he thought he had tried. He never cried, even when it hurt, and always smiled.

He obediently endured the emperor’s punishments and purification rituals. Hoping he might be loved, even just a little.

Naturally, that never happened. A monster could never be loved, no matter what it did.

Had he realized this in his third regression? Or was it the fourth? Looking back now, he supposed he had been quite foolish.

As if they mattered.

Why had he coveted the love of such meaningless people, when it held no value at all?

Perhaps he’d wanted to be worthy of her. He thought that if he became an ordinary man who grew up loved, instead of an abandoned orphan, he would earn the right to be by her side.

Dante’s red lips curved into a smile.

“How foolish…”

A long, long time ago, when he had lived as Shinwoo, he couldn’t have her even though he wanted her. Because he had nothing.

He had been born with an incurable disease that gradually hardened his heart.

The doctors said he wouldn’t live past twenty. Even that was only possible after several major surgeries.

The parents who gave birth to him, terrified of the staggering medical bills, abandoned him at an orphanage.

Of course, thanks to his handsome features, many wanted to adopt him. But they all changed their minds after the pre-adoption health check.

Still, it didn’t bother him.

His wretched body left him breathless after just a few steps. Every breath brought a pain like being sliced with a knife.

He had no desire to live.

He himself had given up on his life, but one person—and only one—had not.

When she was first put in charge of him at the orphanage, she had been indifferent. She took care of him diligently, but there was no passion in it.

But at some point, she changed. Affection appeared in her eyes, and her blunt voice became gentle.

She seemed tough on the outside, but she was soft on the inside. She was foolishly affectionate.

So much so that she thought of a twisted orphan brat as her own little brother.

She didn’t know it, but he didn’t actually have a good personality. He only pretended to be kind and innocent to avoid trouble; inside, he was pitch-black.

That was why she would never have dreamed of it. How much he had hated her back then.

He hated how she wiped his feverish face with a wet cloth. He hated that she stayed up all night by his side whenever he was sick. He hated the hand that secretly pressed candy into his, telling him to eat it alone.

He wanted to die, but he hated that she kept saving him. He hated that she made him want to live.

Her face, turning pale with fear whenever he collapsed, was laughable. He’d often scoffed, wondering why she tried so hard for a boy who was going to die anyway.

He wanted to scream at her, *Leave me alone! Don’t get attached to a cripple!*

He hated her. And he hated himself more for having nothing to give her.

So on the day the destruction began, when he aimed a stick at the monster that resembled a praying mantis, he had no idea how relieved he was.

*I can at least do this for her.*

It was worth having struggled to live this long. He finally understood the reason he was born.

‘Ah, so this is the day I was born for.’

He thought he had smiled then. How could he not smile, knowing he could save her with his own life?

But in the end, the one who saved her was herself.

After awakening as a Hunter, she defeated the monster with ease. She took sole responsibility for the orphanage children everyone else ignored and conquered the gate.

The emotion he felt then was a dark jealousy.

He hated that she took responsibility for the other children too. He couldn’t stand the anger that flared every time she came back injured.

He wanted to demand, “What are they to you that you try so hard?” They weren’t even grateful.

He wanted to scream at her to forget about those useless things, whether they lived or died, and just live well on her own.

But in the end, he said nothing. Because he had realized his own unworthy feelings for her.

A desire to be by her side had taken root. He wanted to spend the few years he had left with her.

He knew how much she would grieve after he died, but he couldn’t abandon his desire.

He never dared to reveal his heart. How could someone like him ever possess her? He just hoped to stay by her side and die quietly.

But a few years later, when he collapsed from a great shock to his heart, he realized what a terrible mistake he had made.

He was scared to death, even in his final moments. Scared that she would be sad.

*What if she’s too sad to eat? With her personality, she won’t tell anyone and just suffer alone. If I had known, I would have left her, no matter what. Why was I so greedy?*

‘Please… don’t let Noona be too sad.’

He closed his eyes, praying to a god for the first time in his life. He thought that was the end, but at some point, his eyes opened again.

She had brought him back to life.

When he woke up, everything had changed. Time had passed in a blur, and his body was different.

He was so tall that for a while after waking, he had trouble keeping his balance.

There were few familiar faces. The snot-nosed kids from the orphanage had grown so much they were unrecognizable.

The whole world had changed, but she alone remained the same.

Ryu Saan.

My sister, my heart. My god, who gave me a new life.

His changed body was also her doing. A large, sturdy frame, monstrous strength. He liked every part of it.

People called him the “Monster Born of Destruction” or a “pharmaceutical company’s test subject,” but he was just happy.

What did it matter if he was a monster or a test subject? As long as he could protect her with this power, nothing else mattered.

The problem arose after that.

His body was strange. He wasn’t tired even without sleep, nor hungry without food.

His wounds healed abnormally fast. His five senses became extremely sharp, picking up every scent and sound.

He couldn’t feel emotions properly. From time to time, a terrible murderous intent would surge through him. He wanted to tear something living to shreds and drench his entire body in its blood.

He wanted to kill humans. Whenever the urge struck, he would tear at his own body to suppress it.

Amidst his dead emotions, the only thing that survived was his love for her.

He clung to that feeling, repeating it over and over. To not lose his humanity. He believed that was the only way he could stay by her side.

Then one day, he happened to look in the mirror and saw his entire body was covered in dark bruises. It was the result of self-harm every time his murderous intent flared.

That’s when he realized.

‘I’m turning into a monster.’

That was why he moved out.

He was afraid of what he might do to her after becoming a perfect monster. The thought of her blaming herself for what he had become was even more terrifying.

He had to distance himself from her while his feelings for her were still clear.

So, he confessed his feelings.

How horrifying must it have been, for the brat she thought of as family to harbor such feelings? He thought she might kick him out herself before he even had a chance to say he was moving.

But she held on to him. She tried to persuade him in her gentle voice that he was mistaken.

He was grateful that she tried to keep him, but he also felt resentful. A mistake? He had endured becoming a monster solely through his love for her. It couldn’t possibly be a mistake.

Still, he had no intention of convincing her. He didn’t beg her to accept his feelings either.

Of course, he desperately wanted to cling to her. In his mind, he devised cunning plans one after another. He couldn’t stop imagining locking her up and forcing her to be his.

He couldn’t control his desires. He felt that if he stayed, he would end up destroying her.

So he pushed her away as she held onto him and hastily moved out. It was the only way he could protect her.

Step, step.

Walking through the lobby, Dante stopped near the emperor’s office.

He glanced down at his hand. Over his clean palm, he saw an overlay of Astell’s expression from in front of the burning Ruthius main estate.

It was a familiar expression. He had seen it often when he was Shinwoo.

A smile painted on her face after swallowing down all sorts of dark emotions. Whenever she did that, he was terrified she would cough up blood.

Dante stood still, staring at his palm.

‘What was I about to do?’

His hazy mind refused to work.

It was always like this. Every moment without her was a blur. Everything he saw was like a painting blurred by rain, their boundaries indistinct.

His mind had crumbled after experiencing repeated regressions. He’d only endured for 500 years, but he was already broken.

Drip, drip. Something lukewarm dripped from his nose. He wiped under it absently, and his hand came away dark red.

His physical body was rapidly collapsing. If he completely disintegrated, the destruction would end, and the regressions would stop.

Because Dante himself was the medium of both the destruction and the time loop.

‘But I think I lasted twenty years in my twelfth life…’

Events that would have unfolded over decades in the past were now happening within a single year in this life.

The rate of gate appearances had drastically increased, and the Administrator no longer sought him out.

It was all proof that his usefulness as a medium was nearly at its end.

He thought he could regress at least one more time. He must have overestimated his own mental fortitude.

How much longer could he endure? How many more years could he spend with her?

‘Ten years… no, five.’

Perhaps not even a year remained.

That was why he had been greedy. He wanted her for himself, at least in this life, which was sure to be his last.

‘Is this my punishment for that?’

In all twelve of his regressions, Duke Ruthius had never died.

Why had the future changed?

There was only one reason. Because he had coveted something he shouldn’t have.

Because he had tried to stray from his given role, because a filthy monster had harbored an unworthy desire, the scenario had changed.

So, of course, he had to be punished.

‘What do I do…?’

It was obvious the emperor was involved in Duke Ruthius’s death. She, too, would soon learn the truth behind the incident.

‘Will she still smile at me?’

After learning that the emperor killed Duke Ruthius, would he still be able to meet her like this?

The fingertips of his outstretched hand trembled. A cold sweat trickled down his spine. His body, seized by anxiety, refused to obey his commands.

Dante clenched his fist tightly and pressed the back of his hand to his lips.

“Ye Shinwoo!”

It was the first time. The first time she had called him by his old name.

It was something that had never happened in the twelve lives that had already passed. Something he had never dared to imagine.

His heart had felt like it was going to explode.

It didn’t matter that it wasn’t clear who she was calling. Just hearing the name made his heart pound like crazy and sent a thrill through him. Goosebumps erupted all over his body, followed by a shudder.

And a sliver of hope was born. The hope that maybe, just maybe, she would recognize him.

‘If only Noona would look me straight in the eye like she used to and call my name, Shinwoo… if only she would do that…’

He felt he could crumble away with a smile, happy even if this life was his last.

But then, this happened in a single day. The emperor killed Duke Ruthius—an event that had never occurred in any of his twelve regressions.

As if mocking a monster’s happiness.

Dante squeezed his eyes shut.